So as most people know, I graduated college in May. Although college wasn't always peachy and keen, it was a cake walk compared to what it is now. College is a little cocoon of safety... you're forced to have social interaction with people who are going through very similar if not exact experiences as you are. Post graduation doesn't present those experiences so easily. Especially for someone who has suffered from social anxiety since high school. While this might not be something that many people know about me, I have moderate (I'd say) social anxiety from a combination of scarring experiences in high school and just the way my brain is wired. For a long time, anywhere I went, I was convinced people were talking about me, staring at me, judging me. While I don't care about what anyone thinks of me, I also do. It's a complicated mix, but in summary, meeting new people is really hard for me when I have no moral support. It's hard for me to meet new people without being with old friends. I don't feel comfortable around strangers because they might not understand me and judge me. Some people understand, and then there are the people who say, "You just have to get out there and do things and you'll naturally meet people." Yeah, it's not that easy for me. So living in a city completely alone has been difficult.
You're whole life you grow up wanting to move away. But for me, I grew up wanting to move away and basically instantly regretted it. I have suffered with moderate to severe anxiety and depression through high school and college. It comes in waves, but it can be debilitating. After I accepted my job, there was a lot of talk with my mom about if I made the right decision and if I should take back my acceptance. We both knew that my depression spiraling out of control was a very serious possibility. I remember talking in Target in Fort Dodge saying, "I really think this is the wrong decision because my depression is going to get worse." And to be honest, it did.
The first couple weeks were fine. It was new. I was settling into my job, I had Sullivan (my 7 month old Malshi puppy for those who aren't familiar), and it was still fresh. But then it started settling in...I was completely alone, I knew no one, I went to work and came home every day...and it wasn't cool anymore. While I know some people are totally fine and blossom in new cities alone, I don't think I'm one of those people. Anyone who knows me can quite quickly pick up on how close I am with my mom. And that's a blessing and a curse...even as a 22 year old woman (I guess girl isn't the correct word for my anymore even though that's how I feel) I genuinely cannot live without my mom. And there are just so many reasons that I could go on and on about, but ultimately when it comes down to it, there were times when she was the only thing keeping me tethered to earth. Without my mom, I can honestly tell you, I would not still be here today.
Without going into too many details, work was not always a cake walk. Certain personalities didn't necessarily mesh with mine, I was dealing with all these personal issues, and it. was. hard. I wouldn't be able to drag myself out of bed until 7:30 AM when I needed to leave for work around 8. I would cry in my car on the way to work, on the way home for lunch, on the way back from lunch, and after work. I was miserable...I would cry all the time. I felt hopeless, like I was completely alone, just...it's hard to put into words how I felt. And my poor mother, I'd text her about how miserable I was and how much I hated my life. We would talk about if there was anyway I could quit and come home, what were my options, etc. Basically what the hell was I going to do so I didn't off myself to be honest.
And on top of being alone, not necessarily loving my job, having depression, there would those bumps in the road that would make things worse. It felt (and honestly feels) like nothing just purely good ever happened (happens) to me. I mean I'm sure I could think of a longer list but there are some major events that stick out:
- My precious puppy was hit by a car (I guess him being completely okay was a good thing, but it's questionably a good thing when he had to be hit by a car in the first place).
- My high school boyfriend got engaged. I drank a lot of wine the night I found out and acted like I was okay. But I was not okay, not okay at all. It is a ginormous pill to swallow when you can't even pull yourself out of bed in the morning, and your high school boyfriend is getting married. Like shit...excuse my french, but shit. It's still a lot honestly, it's so weird. The person you used to imagine marrying one day, jokingly had picked out children's names with, went through all the first love emotions and things like that with is getting married. To someone else. While I don't think it ever would have worked out between us, it's still just a lot. That one really knocked me down a peg or two for a while. (Anyone who knows me or knew me in high school can obviously figure out who this is, but that's fine. I'm fine with my feelings.)
- The person that I was talking to at the time who I've had an on and off again relationship for years dropped one of the most devastating things he could have ever said to me on me after I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling about above thing (I believe that all past relationships make you who you are and don't mind talking about them [both parties] in current relationships.) (I'm sure some of you can figure out who this is as well).
It just seemed like the little world I had left was crumbling down around me. All these things happened within a week of each other mind you, so it was jarring. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to get out of bed...I didn't want to do anything, and sometimes quite honestly, I just wanted to die.
But in time, it got better. I am by no means diagnosed with such, but I would describe myself more on the bipolar scale. There are stretches when my mental state is gut wrenchingly terrible and there are times (like now) when I'm more okay. I don't know that I could extend the olive branch to the word "happy" but I'm fine. I live life day to day. Am I where I want to be? Absolutely not, but I'm where I'm at. Even if things aren't perfect, I wake up every day and do what I need to do. But it's hard right now not to be at home right now.
A lot of people know this, but my dad is an alcoholic. He is a raging, cyclical alcoholic. And it's frustrating and our relationship has gone up and down, and he's at it again. He's back on his bullshit, as the kids say. I am publicly calling him out whether he wants that or not...I don't even think he knows I know. Because when a 61 year old man is destroying his life yet again with no regards for anyone else, why would I care to deal with that? I'm not 4 or 8 or 12 or even 16 anymore; I have the choice if he's in my life or not. I could write a book about this topic, but for another day. The hardest part of all of this for me is not being able to be there for my mom through it all; I feel a huge sense of guilt and pain not to be able to be with my best friend while this happens. But I'm grateful that I'm not where I was at 2-3 weeks ago and that I'm able to cope with what's going on.
There are still days when I hate my life. There are still days I wake up and go to bed crying. But I am able to look towards the future. I am able to know that my life will turn around, that I will get to a point that I'm happy with. I want to immerse myself into things that better me as a person: reading, running, I want to lose 15-20 pounds, etc. I have goals: move back to Iowa (the funny thing about leaving Iowa for me was the fact that I've grown to miss everything about Iowa; not the cold though, yuck), eventually open my own business, do freelance makeup for fun, maybe write a book someday. But mostly I have people in my life who make me grateful everyday: my sister and her family, my extended family, my friends. My pride, joy, and the light of my life: Sullivan. But mostly, my mom. I will keep grinding, I will keep moving forward, and I will keep living life as I know it.
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(Maybe people were expecting a post about how awesome everything is and how happy I am, but that's not always how it goes.I just wanted to give everyone a glimpse into my life as of now. It's not perfect, it's not pretty, and it's definitely not glamorous. I apologize if this blog post was all over the place, but that's the way my mind can tend to work. I don't seek pity about what I go through, I seek understanding. I want to let the kids younger than me know your life won't necessarily be perfect or everything you always dreamed of when you graduate college. You won't necessarily work your dream job and you most definitely won't necessarily be rich or even financially stable when you graduate. That just because everyone around you seems to be "living your best life" doesn't mean you always will. All of our journeys are unique, and they are ones we must experience individually. All the love to the people who support me, and all the best to the people who don't. <3)
