Life As I Know It

My name is Alanna, and I'm not very consistent in blogging, welcome to my life. I can't even tell you what my blog page looks like right now; I'm sure it's not very good. Maybe I'll work on that, but most likely I won't lol. To preface this post, I'm going to tell you it's not going to be rainbows and butterflies...It's going to be real and raw. (Although I am finishing this in a better place than I left the draft originally. When I was originally writing this, I was crying in my bed. Now...still in my bed...but enjoying a nice glass of wine on a Sunday night after a wonderful weekend at home). Because I'm at a weird point in my life, I'm not living all of my dreams...let me explain.

So as most people know, I graduated college in May. Although college wasn't always peachy and keen, it was a cake walk compared to what it is now. College is a little cocoon of safety... you're forced to have social interaction with people who are going through very similar if not exact experiences as you are. Post graduation doesn't present those experiences so easily. Especially for someone who has suffered from social anxiety since high school. While this might not be something that many people know about me, I have moderate (I'd say) social anxiety from a combination of scarring experiences in high school and just the way my brain is wired. For a long time, anywhere I went, I was convinced people were talking about me, staring at me, judging me. While I don't care about what anyone thinks of me, I also do. It's a complicated mix, but in summary, meeting new people is really hard for me when I have no moral support. It's hard for me to meet new people without being with old friends. I don't feel comfortable around strangers because they might not understand me and judge me. Some people understand, and then there are the people who say, "You just have to get out there and do things and you'll naturally meet people." Yeah, it's not that easy for me. So living in a city completely alone has been difficult.

You're whole life you grow up wanting to move away. But for me, I grew up wanting to move away and basically instantly regretted it. I have suffered with moderate to severe anxiety and depression through high school and college. It comes in waves, but it can be debilitating. After I accepted my job, there was a lot of talk with my mom about if I made the right decision and if I should take back my acceptance. We both knew that my depression spiraling out of control was a very serious possibility. I remember talking in Target in Fort Dodge saying, "I really think this is the wrong decision because my depression is going to get worse." And to be honest, it did.

The first couple weeks were fine. It was new. I was settling into my job, I had Sullivan (my 7 month old Malshi puppy for those who aren't familiar), and it was still fresh. But then it started settling in...I was completely alone, I knew no one, I went to work and came home every day...and it wasn't cool anymore. While I know some people are totally fine and blossom in new cities alone, I don't think I'm one of those people. Anyone who knows me can quite quickly pick up on how close I am with my mom. And that's a blessing and a curse...even as a 22 year old woman (I guess girl isn't the correct word for my anymore even though that's how I feel) I genuinely cannot live without my mom. And there are just so many reasons that I could go on and on about, but ultimately when it comes down to it, there were times when she was the only thing keeping me tethered to earth. Without my mom, I can honestly tell you, I would not still be here today.

Without going into too many details, work was not always a cake walk. Certain personalities didn't necessarily mesh with mine, I was dealing with all these personal issues, and it. was. hard. I wouldn't be able to drag myself out of bed until 7:30 AM when I needed to leave for work around 8. I would cry in my car on the way to work, on the way home for lunch, on the way back from lunch, and after work. I was miserable...I would cry all the time. I felt hopeless, like I was completely alone, just...it's hard to put into words how I felt. And my poor mother, I'd text her about how miserable I was and how much I hated my life. We would talk about if there was anyway I could quit and come home, what were my options, etc. Basically what the hell was I going to do so I didn't off myself to be honest.

And on top of being alone, not necessarily loving my job, having depression, there would those bumps in the road that would make things worse. It felt (and honestly feels) like nothing just purely good ever happened (happens) to me. I mean I'm sure I could think of a longer list but there are some major events that stick out:

1. My precious puppy was hit by a car (I guess him being completely okay was a good thing, but it's questionably a good thing when he had to be hit by a car in the first place). 
2. My high school boyfriend got engaged. I drank a lot of wine the night I found out and acted like I was okay. But I was not okay, not okay at all. It is a ginormous pill to swallow when you can't even pull yourself out of bed in the morning, and your high school boyfriend is getting married. Like shit...excuse my french, but shit. It's still a lot honestly, it's so weird. The person you used to imagine marrying one day, jokingly had picked out children's names with, went through all the first love emotions and things like that with is getting married. To someone else. While I don't think it ever would have worked out between us, it's still just a lot. That one really knocked me down a peg or two for a while. (Anyone who knows me or knew me in high school can obviously figure out who this is, but that's fine. I'm fine with my feelings.)
3. The person that I was talking to at the time who I've had an on and off again relationship for years dropped one of the most devastating things he could have ever said to me on me after I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling about above thing (I believe that all past relationships make you who you are and don't mind talking about them [both parties] in current relationships.) (I'm sure some of you can figure out who this is as well).

It just seemed like the little world I had left was crumbling down around me. All these things happened within a week of each other mind you, so it was jarring. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to get out of bed...I didn't want to do anything, and sometimes quite honestly, I just wanted to die.

But in time, it got better. I am by no means diagnosed with such, but I would describe myself more on the bipolar scale. There are stretches when my mental state is gut wrenchingly terrible and there are times (like now) when I'm more okay. I don't know that I could extend the olive branch to the word "happy" but I'm fine. I live life day to day. Am I where I want to be? Absolutely not, but I'm where I'm at. Even if things aren't perfect, I wake up every day and do what I need to do. But it's hard right now not to be at home right now.

A lot of people know this, but my dad is an alcoholic. He is a raging, cyclical alcoholic. And it's frustrating and our relationship has gone up and down, and he's at it again. He's back on his bullshit, as the kids say. I am publicly calling him out whether he wants that or not...I don't even think he knows I know. Because when a 61 year old man is destroying his life yet again with no regards for anyone else, why would I care to deal with that? I'm not 4 or 8 or 12 or even 16 anymore; I have the choice if he's in my life or not. I could write a book about this topic, but for another day. The hardest part of all of this for me is not being able to be there for my mom through it all; I feel a huge sense of guilt and pain not to be able to be with my best friend while this happens. But I'm grateful that I'm not where I was at 2-3 weeks ago and that I'm able to cope with what's going on. 

There are still days when I hate my life. There are still days I wake up and go to bed crying. But I am able to look towards the future. I am able to know that my life will turn around, that I will get to a point that I'm happy with. I want to immerse myself into things that better me as a person: reading, running, I want to lose 15-20 pounds, etc. I have goals: move back to Iowa (the funny thing about leaving Iowa for me was the fact that I've grown to miss everything about Iowa; not the cold though, yuck), eventually open my own business, do freelance makeup for fun, maybe write a book someday. But mostly I have people in my life who make me grateful everyday: my sister and her family, my extended family, my friends. My pride, joy, and the light of my life: Sullivan. But mostly, my mom. I will keep grinding, I will keep moving forward, and I will keep living life as I know it.


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(Maybe people were expecting a post about how awesome everything is and how happy I am, but that's not always how it goes.I just wanted to give everyone a glimpse into my life as of now.  It's not perfect, it's not pretty, and it's definitely not glamorous. I apologize if this blog post was all over the place, but that's the way my mind can tend to work. I don't seek pity about what I go through, I seek understanding.  I want to let the kids younger than me know your life won't necessarily be perfect or everything you always dreamed of when you graduate college. You won't necessarily work your dream job and you most definitely won't necessarily be rich or even financially stable when you graduate. That just because everyone around you seems to be "living your best life" doesn't mean you always will. All of our journeys are unique, and they are ones we must experience individually. All the love to the people who support me, and all the best to the people who don't. <3)

A Day of Adventure: Reiman Gardens

The first summer living away from home...I'd lie if I said it hasn't been tough but just trucking along.

Today my loving mother came to visit me.

I got a big girl backpack, I'm a real college student now.

Then we went to Reiman Gardens. 

If any of ya'll go to Iowa State, I would highly suggest you check it out!

It's a nice, free (for ISU students) way to unwind, relax a little bit.

Going to the Butterfly room would definitely be a good way to take a break during finals week.

I love this picture. The delicate being of the butterflies. 

The butterfly room is just really special. Butterflies are the one bug I won't run and dodge from. 

Look how vibrant that is!

Now for some self portraits:

Mom's...isn't she so precious? (:

#overlyattachedtomymom

And then she turned into my photographer for the day

"Mom, I want it to be artsy."

Outfit deets:
Dress: Target here
Sandals: Target here
Hat: Forever 21similar
Bag: Betsey Johnson/TJ Maxx

"How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much
you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."- Trina Paulus

Moving on from the butterfly room, we went to the conservatory (? that might not be right) room. 

They had it set up like a cute little garden (gahhhden) party

 And of course, Reiman Gardens, the grounds were beautiful. We didn't actually make it to everything. It was very warm outside, but we made the most of it.

More artsy self portraits follow:

After we left Reiman Gardens, we did some odds and ends. 

And then we went to one of my favorite places in Ames.

It has become that quickly because I've only been there twice. But both within a week.

 A mix between a shop in Diagon Alley, a flee market turned on its head... I don't know, I don't know how to describe it.

But it is the most eclectic greenhouse I have ever encountered.

I wish I had taken more pictures, but someday.

Where I bought two more succulents

One pictured here:

So today was great. A little different post than I used to do.

But I just genuinely feel so lucky to have a mom who accepts me and loves me unconditionally. 

I sometimes question if people are really as much best friends as I am with my mom...

I just don't think it's possible.

Much love to you all.

-Live Love Lan

Greetings From Planet Young and Foolish

Woah...I still know how to write on this thing...

it's been a minute or two.

Life has been in full swing with school, work, work, sleep, recently an occasional workout.

Da blog took da back seat. 

I don't know how people do so many activities in college...I do none besides work, and sometimes it feels like a one way ticket to Haitis. 

I've been wanting to focus a lot more on my beauty blog, but like everything else I want to do, it's a very long process to completion. Right now, it's in the preparation stages in my head. To be honest, it'll probably be there the rest of my life. 

Lately, after I hit that 20 year mark, I am already started to feel that 20s slump.

People say, "Your twenties are the best years of your life."

Other people say, it's a time to realize you have absolutely nothing put together in your life.

I'm sitting pretty at option B. 

You see people settling down, getting serious, getting engaged, having babies. 

I guess I haven't reached that point (also haven't had any prospects to get me to that point).

But to be honest, it terrifies me. Next stop commitment? I'll just keep riding the bus. 

Avoid at all costs. 

This weekend, I visited my sister, and we went to Zombie Burger in Des Moines.

The wait was over an hour, and while we were standing there, a girl walked by.

By "girl", I mean she was maybe 3 years old. 

The look she gave me intimidated me.

Her eyes said, "I have my life more put together than you."

And she's probably right. 

I feel like I make a string of bad choices that all very much resemble each other.

I'm stuck in a repeating cycle that I can't get out of. 

I know what I'm doing will catch up to hurt me, but I can't stop myself in the moment. 

And then six weeks later when I realize, ehhh not such a good idea, it's too late.

One way ticket to an emotional breakdown.

And it's not just that I make bad decisions in the present. It's the fact that people think I can make good decisions for the future. 

"What's your major?"

"What's that?"

"What are you going to do with that?"

"When are you graduating?"

"Are you going to the career fair, interview, presentation...?"

Are you going to shut up? Because I can't even make a logical decision for breakfast.

Your words need to cease.

And yet, I'm not worried about it. 

I'm not worried about my future husband. 

I guess I'm a firm believer in not getting too serious, too young.

We grow and evolve, and I don't know if it's possible with one person.

We live in a completely different world than our grandparents. Our grandmas didn't have to worry about our grandpas having a Tinder profile, Snapchat best friends, texting.

(excuse the profanity.)

Is it possible in this day and age? I don't know yet. 

I make bad decisions when it comes to boys.

Shun me to hell, but I've had my share of taken boys, going back to exes, a combination of the two.

And obviously if I make decisions like that, I wouldn't make the right pick of the "forever one."

People will have their opinions of that, but I just don't care.

I know that life will work out.

I know I don't want to be sitting in Iowa for the rest of my life.

We can only predict and control what happens to a certain extent.

All these actions will make sense someday. Mostly it'll probably me saying, "I thought I was an idiot in the moment, and look, I really was."

I have to sign off on this post though. I haven't typed anything of such massive proportions for a lengthy period of time, and it's literally giving me carpal tunnel. 

I hope you all are making terrible, young life decisions as well.

Later Haters. <3

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Like and share.

Hopefully no more writing droughts of approximately 6 months.

Find me on:

Twitter: @Alannajean2013

Instagram: livelovelan

Snapchat: livelovelan

Life Lessons from Lan.

My gawd...has it really been three weeks since the last time I wrote a blog post here.

Yikes...been so busy I guess! Online classes, graduations, weddings, babysitting...I thought summer was supposed to be down time, but that's fine.

But anyhoo....

this summer I think has really been a summer of personal growth for me.

For many reasons.

First off, I'm starting to see where my life is heading. 

High school is great, but that's not who you are. The latest thing at my ex high school is a page telling people's "hook ups." I'm so glad I am past that part in my life...so glad. To the people running that page, encouraging that page, where is your life heading? The drama and no class express. Because even if you aren't the one participating, just following the account gives them ammunition. Open your eyes, kids. 

In high school, I talked behind people's backs SO MUCH. And now, I just don't know how I did it. I mean, I'm a girl, I gossip here and there, but I really have learned that redirecting the conversation is much better. Don't have any words pinned to you that you don't want pinned there. If your life was a Pinterest board, you would want cuddles and happiness pinned there, not hate. 

College teaches you some things in life just aren't acceptable. Saying "that's so gay"...yeah, you can't do that. Or "retarded." Or anything remotely offensive. And honestly, life is so much better without it. Those words aren't needed, required, feel good words, so why use them?

I realize you have to live your life with a purpose. If you are using those words, talking about this person, promoting a harassing account, your purpose must be to hurt as many people in life as possible. To throw as much poison into the atmosphere as possible. You can't contradict yourself. "I really believe in Jesus Christ and all he has done for me." Then show that...that's not doing the things above. It's not getting drunk every weekend. It's showing whatever it is your life purpose is. Live for Christ, be kind, whatever. Actions speak louder than words. 

I have realized that life doesn't always have a direct path. I switched my major in my mind every day, but I think I'm at a good place. And if I'm not, guess what I can switch it again. There is no right and wrong when it comes to what you're going to do with your life. Unless it's dealing meth or being a pimp...that's questionable.

One of the HUGE things I have realized this summer is that I don't need no man. I will be the first one to admit I could be clingy, I could be this, I could be that. But it's solely because I felt like I NEEDED those relationships. All I've learned is that most of those relationships are poison. But ever since I was young, I felt like I needed that approval from boys. I don't need their approval because I am giving myself my own stamp of approval.

This kid messaged me after a year, only to ignore me again. Boys make no sense. And I don't need them. I feel comfortable not texting someone 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. When the right person comes around, they'll come around.

I guess, the path of this post is kind of like life. Kind of random, but not right or wrong. I just want to encourage people to really think about their actions, to understand themselves, and not need approval. That isn't too much to ask, right? 

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Thanks for reading, ya'll! Please be sure to like, share, follow, etc etc. 

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Tumblr: preciouslylan

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

Love always, Lan. 

What's the Difference Between CA Chrome and Miss #2?

Alanna Hill, 19, Eagle Grove, IOWA!

Oh sorry, I was practicing my Miss USA introduction.

Considering I'm writing this watching Miss USA 2014...wouldn't miss it.

This post was originally inspired by another high stakes event but it can also go with this.

It was originally about my precious California Chrome in the Belmont Stakes...

team California Chrome all the way.

But it's all about moving on in life.

We all know that Chrome didn't get his triple crown.

and we all know only one of these 51 women will be Miss USA.

So trivia question...What's the difference between California Chrome and the girl who gets first runner up in this pageant?

A: California Chrome is going to move on with his life, while Miss #2 is going to spend the rest of her life wondering, "what if?" 

California Chrome don't care that he got fifth in the Belmont Stakes when people bet 4/5 that he would win. Yeah, that horse does not give two fashizzles. 

He did not wake up this morning and kick himself.

He moved on with his life, did his horse stuff, and lived life.

And that's what he's going to do for the rest of his life.

CA Chrome doesn't realize the stakes of races, therefore he doesn't care.

It's just something he does.

The man of the hour.

Humans on the other hand...

we always think about the ifs.

And it's hard to move past.

What if... my senior track season hadn't been such a shiz show. 

What if...I hadn't dated such a douche fly.

What if...I hadn't been called 1st runner up but Miss USA.

Miss #2 will wake up tomorrow and wonder:

Was my makeup good enough?

Did I lose enough weight?

Were my boobs perky enough?

Was my dress the most bomb diggity?

Did I have flyaways?

etc..

We dwell so much on what isn't changeable. It's hard to let go of something you really ponder on. 

But what good does it do?

Just poisons our spirit and present. 

We can't go back, so why is our mind back there?

It sucks of course that whatever that didn't go right didn't go right.

But it ain't changing so let's just move on.

Take a breathe. Say goodbye to it.

We just gotta be like CA Chrome and keep doing our horse things. 

Life is moving too fast to be ripped backwards.

Just live each day like it's the best days, frands. 

My girl, Bunny. "Sassy, Sassy Sassy, So Sassy, Sassy Sassy."

Let's see...this blog post seems kind of short.

Maybe slightly random, but I am distracted.

Miss Iowa made it to the Top 20.

Make sure you share please! 

Love reaching people I don't know. 

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Tumblr: preciouslylan

Pinterest: livelovelanna

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Whew, that's all. Love you all. 

Identicals: Cats and Bad Boys

So this blog post came out of my little noggin.

I don't really know if any other person on this earth would be odd enough to concoct this theory besides myself.

And the name of the game is:

how cats and bad boys are almost the same thing.

The two are very similar and we chase them for the same reasons.

Now...hang with me, folks. It's actually probably the newest scientific discovery. 

It'll be in list format, so if you don't dig that, byeee. 

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1. Both are very mysterious.

Bad boys: mysterious because they don't give you any hint at their thoughts.

Cats:mysterious because... what the heck are they doing ever.

2. Neither really wants to take pictures with you.

Bad boys: don't want to take a picture with you because their other girlfriends would see it.

Cats: just uncooperative jerks.

3. If it's a bad boy or a cat, either way, it ain't listening to you.

Bad boys: "do what they want."

Cats: also do what they want...I've had my cat for 7 years now and she still acts like she doesn't know her name. 

4. No matter how much you shower them with love, it's definitely not going to make them love you.

Bad boys: you can give them all the love and affection you want, but that does not mean he will ever want to marry you.

Cats: cats will only want to give you affection when you're really not feeling it. They have a sensor, they know. When you want to snuggle, they just run, scratch, bite. 

5. They might secretly enjoy the gifts you give them, but they'll never let you know.

Bad boy: a bad boy might be using you, so you should not be showering them with your gift giving abilities. 

Cat: Forget the gift...just give them the packaging.

6. They ignore you.

Bad boys: They will ignore your calls, texts, snapchats, Facebook messages, etc. without the bat of an eye.

Cats: As said earlier, they'll ignore their name. Ignore no. Ignore stop. Ignore ignore ignore. I guess the difference is that cats just do it straight to your face.

 

7. But you are absolutely expected to be there for them whenever they deem it.

Bad boys: Yes, they can do whatever they want. No, you may not. Bad boys have a way of controlling of your mind and actions.

Cats: When you want love, forget about it. When they want food, they won't let you forget about it.

8. You can't help but wanting them to love you.

Bad boys: It's the thrill of the chase. I don't know why as humans we do that to ourselves. We want what we can't have. Because a bad boy does not want what we want. But there's always the "what if." Yeah, that's not ever going to happen.

Cats: Again, the thrill of the chase. Maybe just maybe someday they'll do exactly what you want. But once again, not going to happen.

(this gif has absolutely nothing to do with anything...i just die every time I watch it.)

9. They might do one cute thing every six months, but that one cute thing makes everything worth it, right?

Bad boys: they brought you flowers they found in the garbage behind their drug house...that's so cute.

Cats: so stupid, they don't realize they did anything. And what they did probably wasn't all that cute, but of course it was!

10. They'll miss you when you're gone.

Bad boys: when they're 80 and alone, they'll realize you were the bomb diggity. "Baby, I was wrong."

Cats: even if they don't show it, cats miss you a ton when you leave them. Whether a day or months, they love you.

In the end, which is superior, a cat or a bad boy?

The cat for sure. Bad boys are just troubled souls afraid to grow up, afraid to commit. 

Cats are just innocent little critters. Also fuzzy and soft. 

So I mean...boys just started off with the shorter stick, but didn't make up for it.

Remember: 

Sorry, this was so heavily cat picture based. But I mean...I love the felines.

Thank you so much for reading!

Remember to send me ideas, thoughts, opinions, etc! An open book.

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Facebook: Alanna Jean Hill

The Seven Skinnies on Being Skinny.

Skinny girl probs...

I'm not saying I'm super skinny..i know I'm not like the tiniest person alive.

I think I'm at a healthy weight, maybe go down like 5 pounds. 

But when you are on the skinnier side, it's not all the perks people act like it is.

So, I have decided to make this list (I love da lists.) about the downfalls of being thin.

This post was inspired by:

me and my life and my thoughts.

1. "Oh my gosh, shut up."

-the above face is the look people give skinny people when they say anything about body issues, and then likewise, the face skinny people give them when they say something about them saying something.

when you're skinny (girl), you actually become a different creature. One who is not allowed to think your thighs are too chunky, your tummy looks flabby, etc. Skinny girls are girls too, and will have body image issues just like you. Do not think the comment someone says has anything to do with you, it has to do with their own thoughts about themselves.  "Perfection is a disease of the nation"...duh.

2. "Oh my gosh, you're so skinny!"

the above statement might be better for someone who just lost a lost of weight. 300 to 150. when you say it to a skinny person, it seems like you're suggesting the above image. "So" skinny is more like an insult. If someone is skinny, it really doesn't need to be addressed. Would you go up to a heavy person and so, "You're so big!" Or a person with brunette hair, "Oh my goodness, you're hair is so brown!"

I don't know why our society feels the need to comment on everything about everyone's appearance.

3. "The No Tittay Commitay"

most skinny girls are "lacking" something deemed perfection by society. it's rare for you to be naturally skinny and have big bazoongas or a big ol' booty. Some people do...and those people are just not fair. 

4. "You aren't a 'real woman'."

I'm pretty sure anatomically a "real woman" has female genitalia. I think that should basically sum up that term...and even there..the lines are blurred. I want the folks who are skinny shaming girls to explain to me what it constitutes to be a "real woman." People say that being skinny means you can't bear children...huh. I don't think bearing children is a part of being a real woman: lots of women can't get pregnant. And it's just false besides that.

It is not wrong to be skinny. 

5. "Skinny people don't have cellulite..."

Bethany girl..i'm with you. People just think heavy people get cellulite. Cellulite is not due to weight...it has to do with fat cells and the skin layers. Doing the calculations, most every human is a candidate. Unless you are the Ghost of John (Have you seen the ghost of John...never mind.) So when someone says they're trying to get rid of their cellulite and they skinny, you be quiet, yo. 

6. "You really need to eat a cheeseburger or something. Can we get this girl a burger?"

Society has also made skinny girls to just take this...even though it's extremely offensive. When you say something like that, you are insinuating the person has anorexia. So the analogy just went skinny= anorexic. But skinny people are just supposed to smile and giggle and take it. K Let's not anymore. I would never tell someone that should lay off the burgers. So why would I tell someone they should lay on the burgers? Let's think, ya'll. If you rude, you rude.

7. "You wouldn't understand."

(I don't know...all I could come up with.)

Apparently being skinny means you can't be apart of some club. the club that other people make that to them is "everyone else." Skinny people just don't understand other people's body issues, because they don't have brains right? Body issues have less to do with your body, and more with your mind. So everyone with a brain (except boys...sorry, I don't know if you guys do get girls' issues) can understand appearance problems. 

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So, my brain has kind of hit a road block I suppose...late at night. 

8 is late for some of us old folks.

I guess if you have any questions, contact me. 

Need moral support, a joke, I dunno. I'll find something.

Contact info:

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

if you haven't been able to tell...i love cats.