Life Lessons from Lan.

My gawd...has it really been three weeks since the last time I wrote a blog post here.

Yikes...been so busy I guess! Online classes, graduations, weddings, babysitting...I thought summer was supposed to be down time, but that's fine.

But anyhoo....

this summer I think has really been a summer of personal growth for me.

For many reasons.

First off, I'm starting to see where my life is heading. 

High school is great, but that's not who you are. The latest thing at my ex high school is a page telling people's "hook ups." I'm so glad I am past that part in my life...so glad. To the people running that page, encouraging that page, where is your life heading? The drama and no class express. Because even if you aren't the one participating, just following the account gives them ammunition. Open your eyes, kids. 

In high school, I talked behind people's backs SO MUCH. And now, I just don't know how I did it. I mean, I'm a girl, I gossip here and there, but I really have learned that redirecting the conversation is much better. Don't have any words pinned to you that you don't want pinned there. If your life was a Pinterest board, you would want cuddles and happiness pinned there, not hate. 

College teaches you some things in life just aren't acceptable. Saying "that's so gay"...yeah, you can't do that. Or "retarded." Or anything remotely offensive. And honestly, life is so much better without it. Those words aren't needed, required, feel good words, so why use them?

I realize you have to live your life with a purpose. If you are using those words, talking about this person, promoting a harassing account, your purpose must be to hurt as many people in life as possible. To throw as much poison into the atmosphere as possible. You can't contradict yourself. "I really believe in Jesus Christ and all he has done for me." Then show that...that's not doing the things above. It's not getting drunk every weekend. It's showing whatever it is your life purpose is. Live for Christ, be kind, whatever. Actions speak louder than words. 

I have realized that life doesn't always have a direct path. I switched my major in my mind every day, but I think I'm at a good place. And if I'm not, guess what I can switch it again. There is no right and wrong when it comes to what you're going to do with your life. Unless it's dealing meth or being a pimp...that's questionable.

One of the HUGE things I have realized this summer is that I don't need no man. I will be the first one to admit I could be clingy, I could be this, I could be that. But it's solely because I felt like I NEEDED those relationships. All I've learned is that most of those relationships are poison. But ever since I was young, I felt like I needed that approval from boys. I don't need their approval because I am giving myself my own stamp of approval.

This kid messaged me after a year, only to ignore me again. Boys make no sense. And I don't need them. I feel comfortable not texting someone 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. When the right person comes around, they'll come around.

I guess, the path of this post is kind of like life. Kind of random, but not right or wrong. I just want to encourage people to really think about their actions, to understand themselves, and not need approval. That isn't too much to ask, right? 

_________________________

Thanks for reading, ya'll! Please be sure to like, share, follow, etc etc. 

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Tumblr: preciouslylan

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

Love always, Lan. 

What's the Difference Between CA Chrome and Miss #2?

Alanna Hill, 19, Eagle Grove, IOWA!

Oh sorry, I was practicing my Miss USA introduction.

Considering I'm writing this watching Miss USA 2014...wouldn't miss it.

This post was originally inspired by another high stakes event but it can also go with this.

It was originally about my precious California Chrome in the Belmont Stakes...

team California Chrome all the way.

But it's all about moving on in life.

We all know that Chrome didn't get his triple crown.

and we all know only one of these 51 women will be Miss USA.

So trivia question...What's the difference between California Chrome and the girl who gets first runner up in this pageant?

A: California Chrome is going to move on with his life, while Miss #2 is going to spend the rest of her life wondering, "what if?" 

California Chrome don't care that he got fifth in the Belmont Stakes when people bet 4/5 that he would win. Yeah, that horse does not give two fashizzles. 

He did not wake up this morning and kick himself.

He moved on with his life, did his horse stuff, and lived life.

And that's what he's going to do for the rest of his life.

CA Chrome doesn't realize the stakes of races, therefore he doesn't care.

It's just something he does.

The man of the hour.

Humans on the other hand...

we always think about the ifs.

And it's hard to move past.

What if... my senior track season hadn't been such a shiz show. 

What if...I hadn't dated such a douche fly.

What if...I hadn't been called 1st runner up but Miss USA.

Miss #2 will wake up tomorrow and wonder:

Was my makeup good enough?

Did I lose enough weight?

Were my boobs perky enough?

Was my dress the most bomb diggity?

Did I have flyaways?

etc..

We dwell so much on what isn't changeable. It's hard to let go of something you really ponder on. 

But what good does it do?

Just poisons our spirit and present. 

We can't go back, so why is our mind back there?

It sucks of course that whatever that didn't go right didn't go right.

But it ain't changing so let's just move on.

Take a breathe. Say goodbye to it.

We just gotta be like CA Chrome and keep doing our horse things. 

Life is moving too fast to be ripped backwards.

Just live each day like it's the best days, frands. 

My girl, Bunny. "Sassy, Sassy Sassy, So Sassy, Sassy Sassy."

Let's see...this blog post seems kind of short.

Maybe slightly random, but I am distracted.

Miss Iowa made it to the Top 20.

Make sure you share please! 

Love reaching people I don't know. 

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

Instagram: lanlanbaby

Twitter: @alannajean2013

Tumblr: preciouslylan

Pinterest: livelovelanna

Ask: ask.fm/alannahill

Whew, that's all. Love you all. 

The "Finals" of the Year

As I sit in this hall eating Panda Express in between one final and the next, I'm stopping and thinking back on my first year of college. It has been very tumultuous, not always fun, but I will miss it dearly.

Next year, I won't be able to say "I don't know what's going on, but it's okay, I'm just a freshmen."
Next year, it will be "I'm a sophomore and I'm an idiot."

So that'll be awkward.

It's weird to think that we won't be the youngest little tikes on the playground anymore.
A new wave of fresh meat will come in; but in college, you'll never know.

Unless you show your ID on the orange route or try to get on the bus through the back doors.
(Don't do that.)

One of the things I am most sad about is leaving my little 208 Maple Forbes forever. That room and I have been through a lot of stuff.
Whether it be roommate problems, boy problems, Netflix marathons, nap time...

that room has been really good to me.
So I'm just trying to give him street cred.

(I just dropped fried rice all over my keyboard.)

The year has seen its fair share of boys.
The ending of a summer fling.
2 athletes.
1 Frat boy.
And guess what, in the end, the ATHLETES are nicer than the FART boys.
(hehe see what I did there.)
If you need reference, you can read the post about what that stink in' frat boy did to me)
And guess what, I didn't find love once.
Those fairy tales about finding your husband in college...yeah, not seeing it.

I made the choice to not go out and drink.
Sometimes I regret it, most the time I don't.
Life is so much too precious to spend it under the influence or risk getting in trouble that could change your whole life.
Coming from genes of alcoholism, I don't want to risk that either.
And then there's meeting boys at parties...but do I really want some guy who has had too many shots and won't remember me tomorrow? No I'll pass.
I hope to go out more next year, but this year was the path I chose to walk.

And then I guess there's the school aspect of college.
Changed my idea for a major almost every day, didn't get all A's.
And that's hard going from valedictorian to not perfect..but do I care?
No.
People need to realize grades are not what make life.
When you go to your job interview, I PROMISE they won't ask you what your GPA was.
The real world isn't your Econ and Geology grade.
I studied one day for my midterms. WHO CARES PEOPLE.
take a chill pill...or ten.

Friends...am I sure I've made lifelong friends?
No.
I think it'll is to be seen.
Friends in dorms are there because you're all there.
It's when you go your separate ways and if you remain friends that matters.

So now is the time to pass the freshmen torch from the Class of 2017 to the Class of 2018.
You will get lost, you will cry, you will miss your mom, you will get a bad test grade...but it'll be fine.
And even though I don't know about 5000 people in my grade, I'm sure they're cool with me doing this.
Good luck little muffins!

(Sorry I rushed this...people started coming into the building and it stressed me out. Thinking about Vlogging this summer, who knows?)

Twitter: alannajean23
Instagram: lanlanbaby
Facebook: Alanna Jean Hill

From Anxiety to McDon's

A lot of my blogs are funny, but I feel the need to get this off my chest..
but I'll try to keep it lighthearted (;

I am writing this blog from my home...
which is not where I'm supposed to be considering I have class until three on Fridays.

buttttt...
yesterday I had an anxiety attack. My mom and I decided the best thing to do would be come home.

Anxiety is something I've suffered from for quite some time now.
I am on meds for it, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming.
And because of my anxiety, sometimes I suffer from depression.

People say, "Well, it's all in your head."
And they're right..
it's something in my head that I can't control.

I wish I was just making it up, because that would my life a WHOLE lot easier.
But when you really have anxiety, you really have it.

When I start stressing out about something, I can't stop.
It consumes every hour of every day.
The latest thing was if I should try out for the ISU dance team or not.
It felt like the be all to end all either way. HUGE pros and HUGE cons to me.
Because all of this, I decided it would be best not to, and focus on MYSELF.
(I also had food poisoning this week so..)

I get anxiety about weird things...weird things.
I have quite a bit of social anxiety, and sometimes that just makes me really awkward.
It's part of the reason I don't go out.
I HATE being in big groups of people.
Sometimes I feel like everyone is staring at.
I get paranoid everyone is out to get me.

I can be thinking in my head, "This doesn't make sense."
But at the same time, I can't control my maniac mind.

I don't really get stressed out about homework.
Right now, I'm stressed because I DON'T have homework, and I DON'T have finals to study for.
It helps me to be doing something, so I can distract myself.

I don't know why I decided to tell people who read this this information.
Maybe for myself, maybe so people can understand me more.
This summer and coming year, I'm just going to try really hard to help myself.
I only want people who are kind and can understand that sometimes I do struggle.

I'm not writing this for people to feel bad for me. I want people to understand me, and understand other people who suffer from this. 

On a lighterrrr note, yesterday I was at the McDonalds drive thru, and I decided to get a BBQ Ranch Burger?

Oh gosh, it was awful.

It had Fritos on it, I was not warned of this.

Why is everyone trying to put Fritos on sandwiches?

Subway's was delicious, and they gave me a warning.

McDonalds, no where in the name did it say FRITOS.

BBQ Ranch Fritos Burger? Not name brand? BBQ Ranch Corn Chip Burger?

It was McNasty.

If any of ya'll have any questions about anxiety, me, or McDonalds, just feel free to ask!

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com
Twitter: @alannajean2013
Instagram: lanlanbaby

First Year Fun Facts

Well, I just came back from lunch at the dining hall, and only two minutes before we left, I noticed...

my underwear was hanging out..

IN THE FRONT.

Like seriously, I've had a stressful week, I have food poisoning still not feeling so hot...but why not?

Underwear show. And that kid in my last post? Saw his roommate, so maybe they'll have a story now.

"Yeah, I talked to the girl who lets her underroos hang out like a sloot."

But anyways, I decided to compile a list of a few facts about my first year here.

1. I have never stepped foot in the library to study. The only time I went in there was to eat a sandwich. Because I was being attacked by a bitter colony of bees.

2. I went home waayyy too much. But college teaches you your mom is essentially the bomb.

3. One time, my mom took away my Netflix privileges because she thought I was watching it too much. But after I told her how I lonely I was without it...I got it back.

4. I have been battling back and forth and back and forth about trying out for the dance team this year, but...betttaaa nott.

5. I think I went to one football game? Go Cyclones...

6. I probably tried too hard to find like my biffle for the riffle but...I still don't think I've found like one of my people.

7. One time I got so lost inside of a building, I went to the bathroom and cried. And then I called my mom...

8. People I thought I would escape in high school...they're still everywhere.

9. I was called a "GID" so many times like it was an insult...like, could we come up with something more original?

10. I went to the gym enough times to count on my two hands. And most of my "gym time" consisted of staring at people.

11. And on that note, one time I was so immeasurably dead at the gym, this girl came up to me and was all like "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water? Are you okay?"

12. The first weeks when it was 100 plus degrees... I refused to take the bus. I was scared. I was scared to take the bus because I didn't want to mess it up. I have to get on one bus right in front of my dorm to get to whatever class I need. 

13. The college desk has really helped me expand my makeup collection.

14. I went home on the weekend of non existent VEISHEA. I got way too scared...not my scene.

15. I proudly did not have an eat $#!% moment on the ice. Although the cold was pretty brutal...

16. I got a GPA of 3.73 first semester?

17. I switched my mind about my major every other day. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life besides pet cats and pin on Pinterest.

18. All the yummy places in Ames I liked closed...Aspen Leaf (they had the best lactose free flavors), Pita Pit (I travelled all the way there to find out it was closed), and Long John Silvers (but it's not like super yummy but it would have been nice on Fridays for Lent).

19. I puked in my dorm room too many times. And it was never pleasant. Being sick at college is probably the worst thing ever.\

20. I never drank here. I didn't give in to binge drinking, and a lot of people give me flack for it. I might not make friends because I don't go out, but I don't think I want to be friends with people who are drunk off their...butts. I don't judge people, but as a child of an alcoholic, I'm very proud of myself that I stuck to my morals!

Yay, I am so excited it's almost summer. I hope next year goes smoother, but I mostly hope I figure out what I want in life. I hope I find people who accept me for the odd ball I am!

Trust Them as Far as You Can Throw Them

This post won't be funny... actually...
It's actually funny how absolutely ridiculous my life can be sometimes.
You know the when life gives you lemons saying...well that damn lemon tree is growing in my backyard.

As a girl, I have come across my fair share of complete a-hole boys. But today, today takes the cake.

So the story goes...
I met this kid on Tinder (probably my first error in this equation)
We had been hanging out, everything was actually hunky darn dory.

But ya know, all good things come to an end. And today was that point.

He invited me over to his frat (I will keep the name disclosed...I have more class than that.)
-this also was where I went wrong. I knew frat boys were a bad idea. bad bad idea.

One of the first things he said to me was to shut up...yup. Picked me up, I said two words, and he told me to shut up. So that should have forecast how the rest of the night should go.

It was going okay..but he was acting so aloof. So I simply asked him what his problem was...and that's when it all blew up.
He proceeded to laugh in my face all the while telling me how much he didn't care about me, never would, never wanted to. How he was being an ass hole just to be an ass hole. Laughing in my face...I just don't know. I didn't ask to be invited over...he did that on his own free will. My mind has actually blocked off the things he said... I can't even remember.

I don't see why it couldn't just be "Hey, this isn't working out."
Not this giant thing it had to be. So, of course, I started crying. It hurt me to my very core. But then at the end, I was just yelling. And I didn't care who in that frat house heard me. And then, he told me to walk home in the pouring rain. Walk home, in the rain.

In the end, he did give me a ride. An awkward ride in rainy silence. I'm surprised he didn't start driving when my first foot was out the door. It may have actually been better to walk in the rain...quite possibly.

Now, I came back, laid on the bathroom floor, and cried. My mom told me I needed to get my emotion out. So I'm writing this.

I just thinks this stands as a warning to every single woman out there...don't talk to boys. Do not talk to a boy unless he kisses your feet, I don't know. I have no advice because clearly I don't know what I'm doing. Just don't do it.

The worst part of it all was...people told me he was gay. But I said no..no way. And I still don't think he is...he's just a really sick person. But I should have listened to those people anyways..

Where do I go from here? I don't know...back to Tinder, Match, maybe the local prison because I doubt the men there could be any worse than the men out here. I do take blame for it partially, I'm a hopeless romantic. And maybe that's my downfall. 

My mom told me to quit talking to athletes...this kid wasn't. Maybe I should join a convent. 

But I know I have to keep going, just like all you ladies out there. We deserve so much more. We can't let one or three or sixteen boys ruin our hearts. Their hearts must already be ruined...someone out there is sitting on the toilet probably, but he might just be the guy you fall in love with forever. You should never give up on Mr. Right, just because there are so many Mr. Wrongs.

And maybe the truth is, we are our own happiness. It's okay to go to dinner, the lake, shopping alone. In the end, you're the only person who will have to be with you every day for every second for the rest of your life. So the first step is accepting and loving ourselves. And that's my first step. Right now. And I want it to be yours too.

Love and Laughter, Alanna. 

Exes for The Restes.

Exes are literally probably the worst thing that ever happened to the world.
They make dating seem like the biggest no no of life.
At one point you just loved each other, couldn't get enough of each other, and now...you literally want to kill each other.
I have many charming, kind boys I used to talk to...oh wait...
Most of the guys I talked to turned into complete... you know whats.

Here is a charming photo of a text I received from an ex...

Precious, I know...A real class act.

Now don't get me wrong...girls can be just as demonic. I'm a girl I've said some really nasty things to a guy after we quit talking...I know how it goes. 

After you quit talking, you do the mature thing. Start avoiding everything and everywhere your ex might show up. Because God knows you two can't be in the same vicinity. 

The next step after you break something off is to delete and block your ex off every social media site there is...and that is getting to be really hard because there's so many. 

And if you just can't bring yourself to do it on your own, here's a gift from me to you.

And while you're at it, if your ex happens to have gotten a new girlfriend or six, make sure to block all of them too. You do not want these rando girls having dirt on you.

And if you don't follow these steps, we all know what you'll be doing at least once an hour of day light time...and probably at three in the morning. Creeping. Don't be that person.

You also start to expect that everyone you know hates your ex and your ex's entourage. I mean, if they really love you, they'll hate them, right?

Now even if you guys never speak, it still may be World War III if you two ever do run into each other. A lot of name calling, and then calling to your mom to cry. It's just how it goes.

And eventually, hopefully, there might come a day that when he calls you a blanking blanking blank, you feel nothing. "Have fun with your new girlfriend." I'm sure you'll be just as kind to her when you guys break up...

And exes/ex flings...they really suck. But I promise you, you'll find someone (or something...like a cat) that will love you for eternity. I promise.

Happy Friday. (:

Side note: I want to apologize for anyone who tried to look at this last night. I posted it and then it deleted itself. Technology, I tell ya...

Bullies are Just Really Hurting Inside.

I decided to write this because I am being bullied yet again.
It's just a pathetic guy who is so full of himself, but it still hurts to an extent.

Bullies are going to be in our lives forever.
There will always be someone who is hurting so bad inside they feel the need to try and make you feel bad too.
They feel the need to bring you down to their level; critique you on everything you do, every decision you make. Make fun of the people you know and care about.

Guy bullies are the worse. Especially at this age. To girls.
Like do you have no self decency or worth to have some class?
They are like high school girls. I was sitting with this kid that is bullying me at lunch the other day and every person who passed, he had something to say.
"You see that girl, she's so big. Big girl."
"What color was he, black? Was he black?"
Racist, sexist, acting like he's some hot shot. well...

And the people that laugh and go along with it...you're just as bad. We should not encourage bullies. Ever. Guys may do it to seem just as macho, and girls may do it to fit in with the "cool girls."

Those rude comments that you throw out and then say just kidding, that's bullying.
"You're annoying."
"What are you wearing?"
"You sound stupid."
"You're ugly."

And people who read this who think I'm being mean, I'm just sticking up for myself and all who were bullied.

I've been bullied about nearly everything. Me being "too skinny", too pale, who I've talked to, cyber harassed, a fake email made about me at another school (that I still think about taking legal action about), girl bullying, my dad being an alcoholic...I've ran the gamut of it.

And I admit, I used to be a bully and say mean things. But now in my life, I really try to make the most conscious effort to not ever bully or talk bad about people.

It's a major reason I wish to become a high school teacher...to be there for kids. I still have my days where it's too much for me, but I know I can be a light for kids in the situation.

It's Okay to Run Away

I've been thinking about what I was going to write on the blog today all day..
I honestly had no clue. And then I thought, I could write about acceptance.. nah, even better...

running away.

More specifically, running away from your problems.
Everyone always says, "You shouldn't run away from your problems."
But as I'm sitting here watching the nightly news, I don't think I agree with that.
I agree with it to a certain point.
You shouldn't EMOTIONALLY run away from your problems...at least not forever.
Eventually, you should face those demons.
But don't let anyone make you do it before you're ready.

Let's say you're allergic to bees.
Being around bees is one of your 99 problems.
Now, for scenario sake, let's say a hive of bees is chasing you.

You are going to run, you are going to run like hell.

Bees cause you pain, maybe even death.
And maybe those bees are kind of like the rest of your 98 problems.
You have an absolute right to run away from all of your problems as long as you feel it necessary.
Sometimes we just aren't ready and facing it in the moment won't make it better...it will probably make it worse.

You don't have to have the final conversation with your ex to find out what went wrong, why it couldn't work, etc. The final closure on the relationship. But maybe you just need closure for yourself. Which is probably going to include blocking their number on your phone, deleting them on Facebook/Twitter/all the other social media mumbo jumbo in the world, avoiding every place they might possibly be, sitting in your house watching Netflix.. reaching some level of acceptance.
I don't think that's running away, I think it's preparing yourself for battle.
An emotional battle, but if you don't care about the soldier you're fighting against, it makes the battle a lot less personal.

Let's say you're in a fight with a friend. Maybe not talking, not subtweeting about the situation on Twitter, avoiding them...maybe it could help alleviate some unneeded drama. If you're true friends, the problem will resolve on it's own. If not, the friendship will dissipate on it's own.

For a more real world example: if someone in the Sharkiesha incident had run away...

Maybe what appears to be "running away" to some people is actually facing it head on.
Preach, honey boo boo.