From Anxiety to McDon's

A lot of my blogs are funny, but I feel the need to get this off my chest..
but I'll try to keep it lighthearted (;

I am writing this blog from my home...
which is not where I'm supposed to be considering I have class until three on Fridays.

buttttt...
yesterday I had an anxiety attack. My mom and I decided the best thing to do would be come home.

Anxiety is something I've suffered from for quite some time now.
I am on meds for it, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming.
And because of my anxiety, sometimes I suffer from depression.

People say, "Well, it's all in your head."
And they're right..
it's something in my head that I can't control.

I wish I was just making it up, because that would my life a WHOLE lot easier.
But when you really have anxiety, you really have it.

When I start stressing out about something, I can't stop.
It consumes every hour of every day.
The latest thing was if I should try out for the ISU dance team or not.
It felt like the be all to end all either way. HUGE pros and HUGE cons to me.
Because all of this, I decided it would be best not to, and focus on MYSELF.
(I also had food poisoning this week so..)

I get anxiety about weird things...weird things.
I have quite a bit of social anxiety, and sometimes that just makes me really awkward.
It's part of the reason I don't go out.
I HATE being in big groups of people.
Sometimes I feel like everyone is staring at.
I get paranoid everyone is out to get me.

I can be thinking in my head, "This doesn't make sense."
But at the same time, I can't control my maniac mind.

I don't really get stressed out about homework.
Right now, I'm stressed because I DON'T have homework, and I DON'T have finals to study for.
It helps me to be doing something, so I can distract myself.

I don't know why I decided to tell people who read this this information.
Maybe for myself, maybe so people can understand me more.
This summer and coming year, I'm just going to try really hard to help myself.
I only want people who are kind and can understand that sometimes I do struggle.

I'm not writing this for people to feel bad for me. I want people to understand me, and understand other people who suffer from this. 

On a lighterrrr note, yesterday I was at the McDonalds drive thru, and I decided to get a BBQ Ranch Burger?

Oh gosh, it was awful.

It had Fritos on it, I was not warned of this.

Why is everyone trying to put Fritos on sandwiches?

Subway's was delicious, and they gave me a warning.

McDonalds, no where in the name did it say FRITOS.

BBQ Ranch Fritos Burger? Not name brand? BBQ Ranch Corn Chip Burger?

It was McNasty.

If any of ya'll have any questions about anxiety, me, or McDonalds, just feel free to ask!

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com
Twitter: @alannajean2013
Instagram: lanlanbaby

Habitual Habits

So this week has just been super stressful
superty duperty.

I have a lot of stress habits.
but this week...

my eyebrows I have taken the blow.

I've always had really weird eyebrows, mutilated them.
But it's a nervous habit.

I just pluck, pluck, pluck..tweeze. tweeze, tweeze, tweeze..pluck.

my eyebrows are really truly hardly there. but i just color them in with a handy dandy eyebrow pencil. (which I didn't know about in middle and most of high school when I was being teased about my eyebrows. But hey, i did it to myself.)

So for anyone who reads this, I want to know y'alls stress habits! Comment, email me, message me..whatevs. I want to get to know who's getting to know me!

Email: ahill1325@gmail.com

Soooorry, this blog post is so super short. I don't have anything philosophical to say today, I guess.

First Year Fun Facts

Well, I just came back from lunch at the dining hall, and only two minutes before we left, I noticed...

my underwear was hanging out..

IN THE FRONT.

Like seriously, I've had a stressful week, I have food poisoning still not feeling so hot...but why not?

Underwear show. And that kid in my last post? Saw his roommate, so maybe they'll have a story now.

"Yeah, I talked to the girl who lets her underroos hang out like a sloot."

But anyways, I decided to compile a list of a few facts about my first year here.

1. I have never stepped foot in the library to study. The only time I went in there was to eat a sandwich. Because I was being attacked by a bitter colony of bees.

2. I went home waayyy too much. But college teaches you your mom is essentially the bomb.

3. One time, my mom took away my Netflix privileges because she thought I was watching it too much. But after I told her how I lonely I was without it...I got it back.

4. I have been battling back and forth and back and forth about trying out for the dance team this year, but...betttaaa nott.

5. I think I went to one football game? Go Cyclones...

6. I probably tried too hard to find like my biffle for the riffle but...I still don't think I've found like one of my people.

7. One time I got so lost inside of a building, I went to the bathroom and cried. And then I called my mom...

8. People I thought I would escape in high school...they're still everywhere.

9. I was called a "GID" so many times like it was an insult...like, could we come up with something more original?

10. I went to the gym enough times to count on my two hands. And most of my "gym time" consisted of staring at people.

11. And on that note, one time I was so immeasurably dead at the gym, this girl came up to me and was all like "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Water? Are you okay?"

12. The first weeks when it was 100 plus degrees... I refused to take the bus. I was scared. I was scared to take the bus because I didn't want to mess it up. I have to get on one bus right in front of my dorm to get to whatever class I need. 

13. The college desk has really helped me expand my makeup collection.

14. I went home on the weekend of non existent VEISHEA. I got way too scared...not my scene.

15. I proudly did not have an eat $#!% moment on the ice. Although the cold was pretty brutal...

16. I got a GPA of 3.73 first semester?

17. I switched my mind about my major every other day. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life besides pet cats and pin on Pinterest.

18. All the yummy places in Ames I liked closed...Aspen Leaf (they had the best lactose free flavors), Pita Pit (I travelled all the way there to find out it was closed), and Long John Silvers (but it's not like super yummy but it would have been nice on Fridays for Lent).

19. I puked in my dorm room too many times. And it was never pleasant. Being sick at college is probably the worst thing ever.\

20. I never drank here. I didn't give in to binge drinking, and a lot of people give me flack for it. I might not make friends because I don't go out, but I don't think I want to be friends with people who are drunk off their...butts. I don't judge people, but as a child of an alcoholic, I'm very proud of myself that I stuck to my morals!

Yay, I am so excited it's almost summer. I hope next year goes smoother, but I mostly hope I figure out what I want in life. I hope I find people who accept me for the odd ball I am!

Trust Them as Far as You Can Throw Them

This post won't be funny... actually...
It's actually funny how absolutely ridiculous my life can be sometimes.
You know the when life gives you lemons saying...well that damn lemon tree is growing in my backyard.

As a girl, I have come across my fair share of complete a-hole boys. But today, today takes the cake.

So the story goes...
I met this kid on Tinder (probably my first error in this equation)
We had been hanging out, everything was actually hunky darn dory.

But ya know, all good things come to an end. And today was that point.

He invited me over to his frat (I will keep the name disclosed...I have more class than that.)
-this also was where I went wrong. I knew frat boys were a bad idea. bad bad idea.

One of the first things he said to me was to shut up...yup. Picked me up, I said two words, and he told me to shut up. So that should have forecast how the rest of the night should go.

It was going okay..but he was acting so aloof. So I simply asked him what his problem was...and that's when it all blew up.
He proceeded to laugh in my face all the while telling me how much he didn't care about me, never would, never wanted to. How he was being an ass hole just to be an ass hole. Laughing in my face...I just don't know. I didn't ask to be invited over...he did that on his own free will. My mind has actually blocked off the things he said... I can't even remember.

I don't see why it couldn't just be "Hey, this isn't working out."
Not this giant thing it had to be. So, of course, I started crying. It hurt me to my very core. But then at the end, I was just yelling. And I didn't care who in that frat house heard me. And then, he told me to walk home in the pouring rain. Walk home, in the rain.

In the end, he did give me a ride. An awkward ride in rainy silence. I'm surprised he didn't start driving when my first foot was out the door. It may have actually been better to walk in the rain...quite possibly.

Now, I came back, laid on the bathroom floor, and cried. My mom told me I needed to get my emotion out. So I'm writing this.

I just thinks this stands as a warning to every single woman out there...don't talk to boys. Do not talk to a boy unless he kisses your feet, I don't know. I have no advice because clearly I don't know what I'm doing. Just don't do it.

The worst part of it all was...people told me he was gay. But I said no..no way. And I still don't think he is...he's just a really sick person. But I should have listened to those people anyways..

Where do I go from here? I don't know...back to Tinder, Match, maybe the local prison because I doubt the men there could be any worse than the men out here. I do take blame for it partially, I'm a hopeless romantic. And maybe that's my downfall. 

My mom told me to quit talking to athletes...this kid wasn't. Maybe I should join a convent. 

But I know I have to keep going, just like all you ladies out there. We deserve so much more. We can't let one or three or sixteen boys ruin our hearts. Their hearts must already be ruined...someone out there is sitting on the toilet probably, but he might just be the guy you fall in love with forever. You should never give up on Mr. Right, just because there are so many Mr. Wrongs.

And maybe the truth is, we are our own happiness. It's okay to go to dinner, the lake, shopping alone. In the end, you're the only person who will have to be with you every day for every second for the rest of your life. So the first step is accepting and loving ourselves. And that's my first step. Right now. And I want it to be yours too.

Love and Laughter, Alanna.